Parents Refusing Aged Care?

No is a complete sentence - even if it makes the aged care discussion even harder.

It’s one of the hardest positions a family can be in: your parent clearly needs care, but they refuse to leave their home.

You want to keep them safe, yet you also want to respect their independence. The strain of this balancing act often falls on the adult children—the “sandwich generation”—who are already juggling work, children, and their own lives.

The Challenge of Agency vs. Safety

As children, we often did the opposite of what our parents told us, clinging to our independence. In many ways, ageing brings a similar tension.

When a parent refuses aged care, it’s not just about fear or denial—it’s also about agency. They want to remain in control, even if their choice brings risk.

But that risk doesn’t only affect them. Families frequently step in with meals, transport, and daily support, putting careers and relationships under strain.

The question then becomes: where is the line between helping and enabling?

The Emotional Toll on Families

It’s common for one sibling to shoulder the bulk of the responsibility. This can create guilt, resentment, or burnout.

And when something goes wrong—as it often does with repeated falls, missed medication, or hospital stays—the whole family feels the weight. Some even struggle with guilt after parents eventually move into care, especially if health declines or a parent passes away soon after.

But as Jordan notes, you can only control your own actions, not theirs. Offering options and support is your role. Forcing outcomes rarely works and often causes more tension. This can be hard to accept for the hard-charging, decisive, action-oriented sibling too.

It just about goes without saying - these discussions and tensions are challenging and need to be approached with care.

Practical Steps You Can Take

While you can’t make the decision for them, you can help shape a safer path:

• Organise an ACAT assessment: If a parent is in hospital, this can often be arranged quickly.

  
  

• Review existing care packages: Make sure home support services are being used effectively.

  
  

• Adapt the home: Small changes—grab rails, decluttering, non-slip mats—can reduce risks.

  
  

• Keep communication open: Involve your parent in decisions and frame changes as ways to help them stay home longer. Also keep communication open between siblings (as much as possible).

  
  

• Get the paperwork right: Powers of attorney, guardianship, and medical directives are vital before capacity is lost.

  
  

• Hold family meetings: Whether through hospitals or independently, alignment makes the process smoother.

  
  

Closing Thoughts

No aged care journey is easy.

Families aren't always united, and emotions often run high. But recognising that your parent has agency—and that you have limits—can help you approach these conversations with compassion and clarity.

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